We woke up this morning wondering, “What headlines might be scattered across the Internet if Santa Clause were really real?”
NEW YORK, NY: Cops nab Santa for possession of marijuana found in a routine stop-and-frisk. Jolly Old St. Nick claims he, “Found it on a roof-top, ho, ho, ho.”
WASHINGTON, DC: Santa charged with international drug trafficking over possession charge in New York. North Pole seized under federal forfeiture laws. Hundreds of elves turned out into the snow. Mrs. Clause cries, “Where will we go? What we will do? Who’s going to feed all of these d— elves?”
CHICAGO, IL: Santa wounded, three reindeer slain in drive-by shooting. Rudolph in critical condition. Local activists claim the shooting was a “luminous-proboscis” motivated hate crime.
MINNEAPOLIS, MN: Flash mob robs Santa’s sleigh while he’s checking to see who’s naughty or nice. Santa laments, “What kind of people would steal toys from the children of the world?”
LOS ANGELES, CA: Santa sleigh-jacked! Witnesses report Santa dragged from his sleigh by four youths and beaten with a brick. Noted Hollywood celebrity claims it was Santa’s fault for wearing gang colors.
SAN FRANCISCO: Santa goes down the wrong chimney, finally understands the modern meaning of the phrase, “Gay Apparel.”
PHOENIX, AZ: Agents for the Border Patrol took into custody a jolly old fat man in a red suit last night. INS to begin deportation proceedings immediately. Democrats plead for amnesty hoping to lock in the “Elf Vote.”
HOLLYWOOD, CA: On a rooftop in the Hollywood Hills late last night, activists for the animal-rights organization PETA smeared fake reindeer feces on Santa. A spokesperson for the group stated, “We are not going to sit idly by while some mythological figure exploits animals that don’t really exist.”
…And to All a Good Night