Merry Christmas to All…

He Sees You

We woke up this morning wondering, “What headlines might be scattered across the Internet if Santa Clause were really real?”

NEW YORK, NY:  Cops nab Santa for possession of marijuana found in a routine stop-and-frisk.  Jolly Old St. Nick claims he, “Found it on a roof-top, ho, ho, ho.”

WASHINGTON, DC:  Santa charged with international drug trafficking over possession charge in New York.  North Pole seized under federal forfeiture laws.  Hundreds of elves turned out into the snow.  Mrs. Clause cries, “Where will we go?  What we will do?  Who’s going to feed all of these d— elves?”

CHICAGO, IL:  Santa wounded, three reindeer slain in drive-by shooting.  Rudolph in critical condition.  Local activists claim the shooting was a “luminous-proboscis” motivated hate crime.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN:  Flash mob robs Santa’s sleigh while he’s checking to see who’s naughty or nice.  Santa laments, “What kind of people would steal toys from the children of the world?”

LOS ANGELES, CA:  Santa sleigh-jacked! Witnesses report Santa dragged from his sleigh by four youths and beaten with a brick.  Noted Hollywood celebrity claims it was Santa’s fault for wearing gang colors.

SAN FRANCISCO:  Santa goes down the wrong chimney, finally understands the modern meaning of the phrase, “Gay Apparel.”

PHOENIX, AZ:  Agents for the Border Patrol took into custody a jolly old fat man in a red suit last night.  INS to begin deportation proceedings immediately.  Democrats plead for amnesty hoping to lock in the “Elf Vote.”

HOLLYWOOD, CA:  On a rooftop in the Hollywood Hills late last night, activists for the animal-rights organization PETA smeared fake reindeer feces on Santa.  A spokesperson for the group stated, “We are not going to sit idly by while some mythological figure exploits animals that don’t really exist.”

…And to All a Good Night



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2 Responses to Merry Christmas to All…

  1. Boris says:

    I am a little taken aback at the cynicism of this post. Would you agree that America is an idea, a belief even? The Constitution does not say we are limited to geographic location to share in or celebrate our belief in the American way of life. This too is how Santa Claus is, he is as real as you or I. I am not nearly as eloquent as the editors of the New York Sun all those years prior who when posed with the question answered a resounding Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus. With today’s moral corruption and selfishness, as you point out in your blog, we need to hold onto the belief of something or someone greater, like Santa and America. Perhaps you should have opened with – what if the spirit of Santa materialized…. Speaking of spirits materializing, it would be great if the ghosts of great Americans past would pay a visit to our politicians and make them see the error of their selfish ways.

    • Boris, we thank you for your comment. If this posting seemed cynical, we apologize. That was not our intent. Here at The American Paladin, we have two objectives for every posting…

      1. Educate
      2. Entertain

      Or, as we like to say, “Make you smile in amusement while you’re shaking your head in disgust.”

      During the past week there has been an ongoing debate in the news over whether Santa is black or white. We think the debate over Santa’s skin color is just plain stupid.

      So instead of commenting on Santa’s ethnicity, we decided to frame Santa’s nocturnal journey through an Americanized political and cultural lens.

      We were hoping that our readers would see just how silly the Santa skin color debate was by lampooning the liberal policies and cultural artifacts of some of America’s largest cities during this, the happiest time of the year.

      The American Paladin salutes Santa and all that he stands for!

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